its been since april..for bradley

i just realized… i think i forgot about this pge.

Dark Desire: A Tale of Bradley and the Ghost of Quiznos.   Late, late one night Brad was alone in the darkened slightly damp Quiznos lobby. He was tired and sweaty, having worked earnestly all evening long. The shadowy windows peered out over a quiet street and all was calm. Brad was mopping, his last job before he could escape. A long, sinewy blast of cool air crawled across his thin shoulders and Brad paused. Now where had that come from?? He glanced around. He was alone. Almost eerily so. The sweet smell of commercial floor cleaner filled his nostrils and Brad inhaled deeply. Another draft flew across the lobby and knocked several upturned stools off their tables. Brad turned, a slow 360. He shook his head. Maybe I’m finally losing it! he thought. Replacing the stools, Brad continued his chore. He didn’t notice it right away. It took at least 15 seconds for Brad to realize there was an incandescent yellow light slowly filling the condiment corner. He peered, astounded, and into the yellow orb as it gathered momentum in its widening sphere. Soon, it was everywhere!! Brad felt terrified; he turned to run. A long, white bony arm reached out of the seemingly opaque yellow and clutched his shoulder. Brad reeled; his skin clammy and his heartbeat thundering. An ethereal silky voice whispered Brad–d–ley–!!! Come home to me!! Come where? Brad snarled aloud. “Somewhere where I can love you~~” the ghost’s voice trailed away. Its face began to ooze out of the vapor. It was a female specter, with long silky white-blond hair, a delicate face and a white satin dress covering a skeletal frame. Somehow Brad felt intrigued yet still terrified. He stretched forward and ran his hands over her sad face and bony neck. “Why me?” he inquired.

“You felt me, knew me, before I was even here and that made me realize I love you” came the velvet response.

Brad looked into the spirit’s eyes and felt a tugging. He wished he could understand why indeed she was here.
The ghost stroked Brad’s arm and he tried not to pull away. After several seconds, he reluctantly did.

Brad shook his head fiercely. “I’m hallucinating!!” he thought.

But then he looked up and she was still there. Brad walked away. Slowly he inched toward the wall where the light switch hung, almost out of reach. He flipped it and the room filled with brilliant fluorescent light. The spirit evaporated, trailing a shower of sparkles behind her. Brad laughed at himself. Ha.. Brad! You fool, you are losing it.

 Yet, the thought of that specter and her words of love haunted him for a long time to come.

~just a little silly thing i wrote. dedicated to ms. deeds. my former co-worker whom i  miss, more than i ever thought i would. he left me some awful big shoes to fill. quiznos … days of sweat and grumpy customers and annoying highschoolers and endless paperwork.. is not the same without you bradley. even your friend .. the slicer … misses you. smile..

mountains… white fog and coffee

i long for this vacation.. in two days. i long.. for wooden porch swings.. and white haze floating atop icy-cold  Smoky Mountain peaks.  i am unsettled, dashed to a thousand pieces by constant blunder and crime. i long for a long stroll down dense forest paths in search of some little knoll where i may perch with my notebook and capture a few moments of perfection in god’s creation.  i long to soak my tired mind and weary body in a old marble hottub … and just sit. i long to feel the wind on my face.. in silent abandonment. the mountain breeze caressing my sleepy face.  i want.. to just sit and watch a glorious sunrise over the mountains. with a chipped enamel coffee mug in my chilly fingers and a warm fleece banket around my shoulders.  i want to just live for a few days. with no expectations or obligations.

standing here

standing behind a ____ (glass/ paper/ rubber) window here, i am standing and i see myself, my sad eyes in this reflection

i have a need as big as the ocean, and nothing can fill it, not today  its overwhelming my senses,

gyrating me into a tiny ceramic ball of nerves and unorganized productivity

insomnia has taken over my nights and i lie twisted in my own regrets about a so-called healthy pathway. i used to care so much, but now i just exist. the little dramas don’t even matter as much as they used to.. beautiful pathway of light, enlighten me.

why can’t i feel anymore? why can’t i cry over all this pain? my hands wring, my shoulders shake but i cannot weep.. i cannot exist except to simply be here.  the scariest place is one of deadly indifference, i stand here and watch my candle slowly fading out. i cannot change it. it simply is. days of sweat and endless parade of smiling faces, digging for gold among the dirt, i rend and tear my own gloves.each promise of a new spring, cracks under the first strain of routine living. i bend my knees back under the strain of hard labor and plunge onward. all these words they comfort not.. they are simply here, b/ i must write something.  as i stand here, behind my see-thru window and watch the world go by. i cannot feel its heartbeat against my cheek anymore.

~words to clarify a dark mood, a painful passing of another slow dull day…

so i remembered the old memories… and friends

he’s getting married, the brucious. to the rebekah. on a glorious.. may day. beautiful, hmm. but i shall miss my friend. all his journey’s, goofy comments, little dances, (smile, and the big dances, like Snowball w/ Rosie) and general clamorious insanity.. things will be different now. like a bad different tho. like different. i was thinking of weddings and this summer, and all this the other day (imagine, i was actually thinking) and worrying. but why worry? true friends are always together in spirit… and thats good enough for me.. some words along this brainwave…

the longing comes to me in spades, in short bursts of sporadic air the rain-smell fills my nose, i sense it coming in through the window to find me, sprawled and warm  subtle changes in the air around metiny birds are background noise, quiet and friendlythe distant rumble of thunder fills this quiet roomreassuring my cold feet and peaceful demeanora cold draft frm a post spring-rain fills the laid- back air with streamlined sun-ridden gracethe blanket beneath me is all cotton, and soft i can hear my brother humming, a sad sweet melody, in his bubble a room overaltogether, this seems a perfect spring afternoon to melazy, quaint, filled with memories of quietier spring moments someone dear to my heart, a man of good humor, brown curls and an infinite amount of martial-art maneuversis getting married, soon, almost ten weeks away nowit feels sudden and horribly horrific, the ending of a great era somehowmy best friend, one of the lastest and greatest,in my life, my existence. intertwined with me through destiny and friendshipall of  our experiences, stories, interwoven every dramatic change he has been there for, i love this manhe is precious to me, always no matter what despostion we may be in… silly and precious and intoxicating are these memoriesi don’t know if i feel i can sever him completelyi will lose them, in his intact postition, in his eternal crazy confidant statei shall miss him, when he goes to that mysterious landthe place of the married

i wrote that last wk. but i thought i’d repost it. it brings my thoughts to where they are right now. cheerio.

so i updated.. this blog

i don’t know what happened, but suddenly my font and everything just went nuts.. so i fixed it. yayy. i like this new look of me words. okay its 2am and i have to sleep now… i have to wake up in three hours, gahh. lol, sleepy time now.

an epiphany in the inertial of my life…

=>
Current mood: wholly satisified and grateful

so this is what it comes down to.. me and the grittyness of my reality, my honesty-room.
i can’t change a moment, not an inkling, not one solitary past emotion or memory can i alter. its depressing and justly so. but encouraging too, in a inate sense. it seems to me anyway. we are all humans. and we tend to want to run, to flee madly away frm our unresolved pain and our buried scars that  painfully resprout perdiocially. its enough to be depressing and morbid about. but i’ve learned to deal, to think so hard on something my hands shake and my head longs for a breath of peace. sunday was such a day. some person i don’t even know, have never meet before, made a comment to me that forced me to look at myself yet again. and to dig, and to inspire myself not just to dig once, but to continue digging, to uncover those rare jewels hiding.
muhatma gandhi said “be the change you long to see in the world”
as a motto, it screams reason and logic before impulse and emotion. i am slowly (at a turtle’s pace) learning to react with my intition and wisdom.. instead of my reckless mouth that knows no fear or shame. a firm hand holds my candle now, not a shaky one. to all those who know me, know i am weak and i have many mountains yet to climb. i clamber upward with my dirty hands netched in long ingrains of rock. i will survive. i will be on time for whatever waits for me over yonder.
if you think about this… you will feel too… feel something.
thoughts to coincide:
every miniscle detail of pain and pleasure.
a journey amoung shattered and jagged fragments.
one’s slight inclination of what a healing could provide.
vast corrulations of what
could be there.
but hasn’t grown or been nurtured.
the insufficiency, the inconsistency of emotions
leave a soul broken, fashioned of metal and dust
circumspently, emotions betray
truth and constancy of fact
they rend and destroy without
effort.
healing only occurs.. when every emotion has faded.
fickle and cruel as children, they must be forsaken.
hearts may break, love may be lost or regained, and trust may die,
but time, as a bitter-marching maiden, plunges onward.
to the inertia of life…
strength is drawn from some hidden crevice, within the spine, and gathered around the will.
relocating to all the body’s fragile extremities.
it draws frm angst and tragedy and each pinprick of mistrust..
residing in the brief block of human existence.
in the purest, most wholly mind-consuming way.

god is good, to show us our mistakes.. and i am grateful to Him. and i am grateful for the ability to write and create a world within my words. nothing is quite as fufilling as a word journey to satisfy a particular need.

poetry… to consider in january

“Snowflakes”

 Out of the bosom of the Air.. out of the cloud-folds of her garments shaken… over the woodlands brown and bare, over the harvest-fields forsaken..

Silent and soft, and slow descends the snow

Even as our cloudly fancies take.. suddenly shape in some divine expression.. even as the troubled heart doth make.. in the white countenance confession..

The troubled sky reveals the grief it feels

This is the poem of the air.. slowly in silent syllables recorded.. this is the secret of despair.. long in its bosom hoarded

Now whispered and revealed to wood and field

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“Winter Night”

Pile high the hickory and the light.. log of chestnut struck by the blight… welcome in the winter night

The day has gone in hewing and felling.. sawing and drawing wood to the dwelling.. for the night of talk and story-telling

These are the hours that give the edge.. to the blunted axe and the bent wedge…straighten the saw and lighten the sledge

Here are question and reply.. and the fire reflected in the thinking eye.. So peace, and let bob-cat cry

~Edna St. Vincent Millay 

holding fast~ watch it slip away

today is friday and i bleed

holding fast unto you

intertwined in your memory

all the crazy stories

you and I

have written together

we blunder and crush each fragment

with arrogance and self-conceit

now where are we?

what are we left with?

but only remnants of shattered glass

what used to be us

our legacy

is dush and ashes now

it makes me yearn

and i bleed

holding fast unto you

random babblings right here~~

oohh this means i can randomly babble cool mann… anywhoo how are you little blog? i feel sleepy and lonely today but a good lonely; a lonliness borne out of healthy choices made, self-preservation in the midst of all this chaos and the right to hide my face whenever i need to frm shining, probing eyes… i miss joel and i miss mark but sometimes the missing is enough and i feel exactly like i do.. like the words and the intentions were good enough but not the actions.. in their own way they loved me and tried.. but it still wasn’t good enough.. i do understand i want to be pissed off at all of this and to not  survive with my will and my backbone  but i can’t b/ it just doesn’t matter that much. it matters but not like it should. b/ other events take precedence in my life over my little heart hurting.. holiday gatherings with my large loud family and all their faithful wanderings… special moments of benign shine.. to quote old poetry of mine ~ heartbreak and shadows weave across this heart of mine.. a visit to the hopsital last weekend to visit one dear to my heart and to stand there.. not knowing what was going on.. my heart thudding painfully in the silence of my own inadquency.. my best friend hugging me and  the realization i can’t fix all her drama  and all the pain she carries but i can stand with her through it and cry those lonely angry tears with her..  i love my uncle and all the horrible decisions he has made but i can’t forgive him for wrecking our family name again.. i love this journey.. all this moments where i stand back and realize and decide to turn away and follow a different road & path with myself and my long curly brown locks~ and became a more satisfied happy chica for it!! thats all the random  babbleing i have for now i think.. and i bid you adieu

the post one-day birthday blog~~

somewhere over the rainbow… i shall be happy.. otherwise i will unsurvive myself.. whell yesterday i turned 23.. and it was an interesting day. one of insane happiness and equal amounts of disappointment. i enjoyed myself tho, it was real laid-back… i went out last night with the man and it was wierd, the timing was slighty-off. i felt ackward… at first and then he began to hold me and i smiled.  i feel like cher.. i have to give myself snaps.. for all the good deeds i’m doing lately.. heehee.. i feel comfortable and i’m slowly learning to reliniquish all this control i’m obbessing over. i love… it all tho.. the beauty of friendship and long-phone conversations.. the thrill of a new relationships alongside the distaste over an old one trying to renew itself within my days. but yes there are always good moments.. and i feel magical.

the dye is cast

the dice are rolled

i feel like shit

you look like gold…

good movie poetry.. yaa liv tyler. its so crazy.. my new and outs. i haven’t been sleeping much lately so i’m going to try to relax more now. and sarah is cleaning up her life and i am so happy about that. i found out schocking news this week and yet not so schocking. lol well thats enough inchorent babbling for now.. peace