oohh this means i can randomly babble cool mann… anywhoo how are you little blog? i feel sleepy and lonely today but a good lonely; a lonliness borne out of healthy choices made, self-preservation in the midst of all this chaos and the right to hide my face whenever i need to frm shining, probing eyes… i miss joel and i miss mark but sometimes the missing is enough and i feel exactly like i do.. like the words and the intentions were good enough but not the actions.. in their own way they loved me and tried.. but it still wasn’t good enough.. i do understand i want to be pissed off at all of this and to not survive with my will and my backbone but i can’t b/ it just doesn’t matter that much. it matters but not like it should. b/ other events take precedence in my life over my little heart hurting.. holiday gatherings with my large loud family and all their faithful wanderings… special moments of benign shine.. to quote old poetry of mine ~ heartbreak and shadows weave across this heart of mine.. a visit to the hopsital last weekend to visit one dear to my heart and to stand there.. not knowing what was going on.. my heart thudding painfully in the silence of my own inadquency.. my best friend hugging me and the realization i can’t fix all her drama and all the pain she carries but i can stand with her through it and cry those lonely angry tears with her.. i love my uncle and all the horrible decisions he has made but i can’t forgive him for wrecking our family name again.. i love this journey.. all this moments where i stand back and realize and decide to turn away and follow a different road & path with myself and my long curly brown locks~ and became a more satisfied happy chica for it!! thats all the random babbleing i have for now i think.. and i bid you adieu
