craziness in little and big proportions!

hey wow its sat the twenty-fifth and my b-day is in four days. big freakn whoo. and as of this moment in time.. as i sit here in nates big leather chair.. my life is f’kn insane~ its all gravy tho b/ every moment is a learning experience. i love it.. well there’s the ex thats suddenly come back into my life.. and all that. and we’re friends and hanging out and sharing each others daily lives again which is wierdd to say frm my lips. its trippy.  i really feel my heart reopening to him and all his lovely thoughts and ideas. damn corona drinking fool.. sigh… and then there’s this incredibly guy from .. well some other day .. i gotta make this a part two.. xoxoxo~

in the midst of smoke and mirrors.. i realize this

i realize a great many things about myself. i miss the little things.. the smallest companionships. of old and new lovers.. juxtaposed into the quietest moments. moments of utter sheer bliss. i had a one-night stand that left me standing alive and poignant, fertile and rich as new soil. looking into sky-blue eyes set upon freckled face.. and piercing honest gaze. i wish to scrutinize my own desire for such a lover. its enough for me to know i have someone waiting for me.. when i finsh long days of toil.. pychisal and mental both. i find myself searching for a new face amongest all the faces i see each day. if i could make sense of all this i somehow would. someone once said to me.. “great writers write about what they know” and this is what i know. constant conflicting, shifting thoughts in a brain already overloaded with anxieties and cares and minor details of day-to-day life. sometimes i break loose and sometimes not. its always some kind of journey tho. i rather like it. i want a man.. in the worst way.. an intelluctual spirit. not a brainless jock.. or an immature man stuck in mid-life crisis with baggage befitting him a mile wide. i have had these.. and many others to certain degrees and i am weary now. my poet-weary soul longs for someone to cradle it. norah jones comforts and inspires me with her part marilyn monroe part carole king wisdom:

Like a flower
Waiting to bloom
Like a lightbulb
In a dark room
I’m just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on

Like the desert waiting for the rain
Like a school kid waiting for the spring
Im just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on

My poor heart
It’s been so dark
Since you’ve been gone
After all you’re the one who turns me off
You’re the only one who can turn me back on

My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune
My glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes
I’m just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on

i adore that song.. its rich and thick as vanilla custard on my own. my own voice sharp and slighty brutal .. raises its sexual liberations and ideas in a passionless existence. i must raise my womanly flag (quota) again.. pause smiling.  another song redone by norah to inspire me:

It’s not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It’s just the nearness of youIt isn’t your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation, oh no
It’s just the nearness of you

When you’re in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true

I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you’ll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you

ahh and i keep on walking.. journeying.. showing myself the way to sexual independence and a writers freedom frm the mundane. ciao sweet words!

thoughts of almost this time last year.. old meets new hmm

oodles of intristic knowledge

dance invitingly through my head

shadows, boxes and shelves

stored ideas and concepts

infuse, confuse, electrify me

untouched my man’s devices or cruelty

bring me knowlege in a soft, rare form

newborn, alive, this revives me

beautifies, mesmerizes

my aching ortifices and senses

swollen, ghastly rationalized

translate, accomdate this knowledge

until it becomes one with me

pulls me through, unto the deep blue

a new passionate union of souless entities

love meets experience

life meets wisdom

knowledge juxtaposed

conquered by understanding

old poetry.. of conviction and forgiveness

come, just as you are~ come in your anger, filth and digust

come-filled with your pain

pain so deep it sears into your soul

you breathe and your breath catches

delicate, silent breaths

of exquisite pain

come just as you are…

come with dirt of rejection stained upon your heart

come… and bow

bow.. fall upon your face

bow

your knees buckle in silent emotion

and rememberance of times wronged

scream out…

don’t let foolish pride or embarrsment hold you back

just scream

just cry.. cry to the Saviour

he sees you, he hears you

he will pick you up

he sees you

rejected, broken

bowed-down with burdens too heavy

pain too dark

he will hold you

he will breathe his sweet breath upon you

he cares not about where you’re at

or where you’ve been

but he simply loves.. loves us… his children

come… come just as you are

come before the Father.. the creator of all life

come before the one who cares

and will sustain and be there

when everybody and everything fails

Orginally written fall– i think september– 2004?

Vision of a Lover~~

luv is somewhere…

waiting in the silent night for me.. fantasy beckons me

to begin my journey in the shadows

i fantastize a lover rising out of the clouds.. out of the fog on silky-silent streets.. alongside rain-dampened curbs.. lost in pale light under shrouded street lamps..

long hands… smooth skin and silky hair brushing against me.. overwhelms me.. dark bottomless eyes.. the color undetectable.. lashes flirty and long caress me, fill me with desire portrayed by intense scrutiny and longing.. a lovers soft voice.. calls to me

inviting me with its wanton tone.. seduces every ortifice of my quivering flesh.. supple-soft and sweet would our lovemaking be~~ leaving us sated and giddy as schoolchildren

fantasy being understated as it is .. i choose to live out my fantasies in real life.. love is somwhere waiting for me .. my lover of sweaty skin and souless eyes.. will appear somewhere as if summoned by fantasy’s call~

this poem is old written last year sometime.. yet it speaks to me now.. reviving new thoughts and i like its sizzle and spark.. its “smoke & mirrors”

of a former lover …. of memories buried away

my lovers voice.. comes to me soft and soothing as i hear the rain..

my lover’s tears glisten in my eyes… wet and humilating… as i hear the rain

my lover’s smell drifts towards me… musk and sweet.. as i hear the rain

my lover’s lips.. haunt my memories.. full and lucious.. as i hear the rain

my lover’s hands … thick and comforting laced with traces of earth .. as i hear the rain

my lover’s essence… vital and pure.. thickens the air around me … as i hear the rain                         

the rain brings all these essences together, dips them into my aura and i can taste them all on my tongue as i capture a raindrop in my mouth… the rain draws me to my lover, yet i cannot find him…

i hear the rain, through my window, wind pouring through thin screen.. furious- swift in its retribution

this was written on april seventh.. i read this now.. and its so lilting so haunting to me.. of old forgotten moments and a dream of a love that time would lie down for.. which didn’t come to be… yet it brings beautiful warmth and comfort to me now.. these words of mine

thoughts of august 15th

in my own bizarre strangely-comforting voice .. hmmm8-15-06

another crisis, here to cry over

yet i can’t somehow

i move ahead w/ a critical face

my fists clenched in anticipation

of so many more battles to come

every now and then i’ll fall apart

but not today nor tommorrow

for i am woman and i am strong~

lyrics that are calling to me at the moment.. softly~

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I a king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance

Thank you Garth .. for your honesty and candor.. even today it rings blessed true~

and then a breath of fresh air blew in~

hmm so… i have this friend now.. i’m not sure if he’s more than a friend yet.. i think its possible .. hmm i know he likes me and i’m attracted to him.. just i’m not sure if its meant to be anything more than this easy-going friendship… goofy-conversation thing! hmm he is a bit older than me and i think i .. well i realize i have this penchant for older men.. not that i mean i don’t like guys my age just not as boyfriends..  they’re immature and they went to go out and get drunk all the time and sleep around.. on you.. wait that was my last boyfriend.. ah yes! smiling now.. but this guy hmm ohh the possibilities… aand oohh the great sex we could have.. shhh Joy~ uhm yah can you tell where my mind has been… this whole abstinence thing is really getting to me! lol.. nah tho seriously i would like to not have sex again before marriage.. with god’s help. i just have to remember to hold myself against that.. for several reasons. the leaves are done falling down and i finally feel like glorious autumn has passed me by! ahh sadness! thanksgiving and christmas loom in my future and my nose can already smell snow and eggnog and spruce christmas trees. uhm i  love eggnog. god is a good god and i cherish every day i have to live this thing called life. today i trained a new girl at work.. and she was telling me.. she’s 24 mind you.. and she has no husband, a 4-yr-old autistic son and a 2-yr-old little boy with 3 holes in his heart. she goes to school full-time.. and shes in the middle of a court battle with one of her baby’s daddies.. so imagine that.. and i stopped and thought this poor girl who does she have? hmm bless her heart. i cannot imagine that life. i thought mine was stressful at times. and i do know i carry a large load myself at time.. i feel like the weight of my family trials rests on me.. but i know it doesn’t. i can do nothing with these situations than give them to god. i really have a hard time finding that balance somedays.. but my Protector and my Bridegroom is always with me>> with the lord beside me what shall i fear. not my own anxieties and frustrations.. not my family dilemmnas … not my friends heartache and betrayals.. nothing.. not ppls opinion of me and how i live my life.. nothing.  Is. 51:1 Hearken to me, ye that follow after righteousness, ye that seek the Lord; look unto the rock whence ye are hewn, and to the hole of the pit whence ye are digged.

hmmm… awesome… winston churchill said: “sucess is living from failure to failure with enthusiam…” i think that is an aaccurate quote as any ive heard.. hmmm! so this fresh breath of air.. brings with it so many things.. new romance.. new decisions.. new morals and as always new committment. hmm i used to despise change immensely but i almost (almost) think its ok now.. change of the good kind and that is important. ciao!

my thoughts turn to thanksgiving and all them recipes~

whow what a day.. sunday.. the lords day.. perfect outside and so quiet and comfortable where i am sitting, in my aunts apartment. she sleeps softly behind me. we had a phone at 6:50 this am and she went to the hospital for complication with ibs.. and colon pain so i came to watch over her for a little while… bless her heart. she’s doing pretty badly. its a pretty day… i think i’ll sit outside for a while this afternoon… and rejoice in the pretty sunshine and glorious colors of the trees and the earth hue. i feel melancholy today.. wierd as this stuff flies around in my brain here and there.. back and forth, endless as a pendulums arm. hmm.. too much thinking perhaps. sometimes i have to remind myself just to breathe… breathe deep, cleansing breaths of bitterness and anger-less air. ahh the holidays.. jumping at me already. i bought my first batch of christmas presents the other day.. books. for christian and zeb and isaac. i love buying for the little guys so much. thats probably why they’re so spoiled rotten. hee hee. i am in search of new flavors for thanksgiving dishes. i decided i wasn’t going to make the same ole stuff this year. fried-spaghetti cookies.. sound wierd? actually i think they’re going to be pretty tasty. like minature funnel cakes made of noodles.. all crunch. so yah. many many things going on. my cousin is getting marrried in two months and we’re getting all psyched for that. she told me i get the distinct pleasure of being her maid of honor. well i am going to continue more on this later.. must go and commune with the virg for awhile.. ciao !